I was recently talking with a couple of parents who both have teenagers. As we did, I found myself curious about what the parents saw as the greatest current need for their kids. This caused a noticeable pause in both of them, and I could tell it was because they were seriously considering what they were seeing in their own kids’ behavior. Their replies caught me off-guard as well, for two reasons. First, these parents were somewhat surprised that they had not thought about their kids in this way as we continue to sift through our new lives during the pandemic, and second what they realized was in line with psychological theories about stages of development. As we continued to talk, I had the insight that many parents might be seeing the same in their own teens and young adults.
So what had these parents realized? Their kids were struggling with school, but not because it was hard (in fact they both thought things were easier than before). The struggle was because of the lack of social interaction. And I’ve heard the same thing from my own clients who are social distance learning as students in high school and college. The absence of time with peers is hurting motivation, and perhaps most importantly, causing them to feel a loss of identity. But the way this showed up in conversations wasn’t from a direct statement, but rather from describing a significant drop in motivation to complete assignments, and to continue to workout.
The connection between these issues may not seem obvoius, however the reality is that teens and young adults need social interactions with peers to be able to define for themselves who they are. Participating in a sport is as much about understanding who you are, as it is about trying to accomplish something. This is evident when young people are asked to describe who they are. Frequently they describe themselves as a football player, a singer (in choir), a musician (in the school band), or a runner (as a member of the XC team). And the reason for this is because the activity and connection with their peers helps them develop an understanding of self outside the immediate family. This is a critical need during adolescence and young adulthood (and quite frankly why they tend to seek time doing things without family). Without these defining activities, teens and young adults are left with confusion and uncertainty, as well as a loss of hope about the future.
This loss may start to show itself in various ways among those we previously thought to be our toughest and healthiest youth. Some are likely feeling a sense of loss and despair as the hopes and goals of their future is on permanent hold. As a result, putting in the time and focus can start to feel like a waste of time. Some may start to express anger or frustration, describing schoolwork (or physical activity) as “too hard”, despite the reality of such things being less so. While others may be upfront and state that the work isn’t hard, but may feel as though there doesn’t seem to be any real reason behind it all. As an example, one client recently noted that she questioned getting a degree because the profession he was hoping for may not even exist when he graduates. This doubt of purpose, coupled with a loss of peer support in the ups and downs of becoming an adult is increasingly hard for many as we continue to struggle societally with the impact of Covid-19.
While the scenario I’ve outlined can seem devastating, there is hope. In the next few weeks I intend to outline a few ways in which teens and young adults can help themselves regain a sense of purpose. The first two issues I will address here are connected to the struggle with an uncertain future. Although this is already a typical struggle for the young at this stage of life, our circumstance has complicated the issue as none of us truly knows how things are going to turn out. Realistically, this means being accepting of this, and to shorten one’s vision to the more immediate by focusing on well-being.
Regardless of what lies ahead for us, being mentally and physically fit is the most important thing we can do. By taking care of ourselves, we promote our own adaptability to both positive and negative events that we encounter. Quite simply, being fit improves our tolerance for stressors we experience, and thus reduce the negative impact such events can have. What’s more, improved fitness increases our capacity for creativity and learning. But to be more fit, we need to dedicate ourselves to the time and effort required. While this may seem obvious, the lack of motivation I noted above actually makes taking care of ourselves more difficult.
Because our motivation is low when we struggle with the uncertainty of the future, the best strategy is to “shorten the scope”. Rather than trying to work out for the “if and when” of playing this year, shorten the goal to something more tangible in the short term. Having a goal to be a little stronger in two weeks is much more manageable than being ready for some uncertain day in the spring. You can further your commitment by scheduling specific and brief time periods to exercise for the next week. Throughout the week, chart your progress and commitment to taking care of yourself. Targeting short gains, over a short period of time, while building evidence influences growth in motivation. Soon, taking care of yourself becomes routine. As a benefit, you feel better about yourself, and become more resilient when new challenges arrive.
Improving mental fitness has specific helpful strategies as well. If you’ve read my blogs before, you know how valuable I find it to be to focus on one’s character strengths (www.viacharacter.org). One of the most beneficial strategies I have found is to “hunt the good stuff” (note, I continue to do this myself). The short version, take the assessment to determine your signature strengths (top 5). At the end of the week, note three positive events you experienced during the week, and which of your signature strengths were likely present when the events happened. Over time you find yourself recognizing when your strengths are being accessed in the moment. From my experience, this also elevates your tolerance to difficulty, as well as your resilience to overcome setbacks and frustrations.
Finally, find ways to be social (or as a parent, allowing teens to do so). In person is best, as we tend to feed off of the energy of others when we are in close proximity. Of course you should take care to be socially responsible (masks, six feet apart, etc.). And doing so outdoors would be the absolute best. We need sunlight as much as we need social interaction. Having time to interact with peers allows us to vent, to bond, and to feel like we belong. These are all healthy and necessary factors of our mental well-being. And feeling better about who we are allows us to be ready for other challenges in life.
Currently, the ability for the young to explore who they are through activity is being hampered by the necessary response to the pandemic. There is a large segment of teens and young adults who are struggling because of distance learning and the halting of sports. But being resilient, mentally tough, and growth oriented sometimes means reigning in our scope of vision and expectation so that we can regain a foothold on progress. Allowing for safe social interaction builds a strong network we need to promote our well-being. And this is what we are going to need not only to get through, but to be healthy as a society once we understand what life with the corona virus is going to be in the long term. For now, whether it be in athletics, sport, or your profession; should you find yourself needing more help in this area, why wait? Make the call, bring in an expert.