I was listening to an interesting interview recently where an Olympian described her experience of winning a gold medal. She noted the sacrifices it took to train year-round, giving up on social activity and potential professional opportunities. She noted the level of detail it took to plan her workouts, meals, sleep, and various other dynamics of being one of the world’s elite in her sport. Likely these are not surprises to anyone who follows elite athletes. The level of commitment necessary is intense to say the least. But what really struck me was how she responded when questioned about what it felt like to be on the podium to receive her medal. After a brief pause of reflection she said, “relieved.”
I caught my own breath at that moment, because it made far too much sense. Here she was, describing what it was like to be the champion on the biggest stage. Most of us would assume the incredible high of accomplishment. But that was not her reality. This woman had made difficult decisions, chose a path few can comprehend, and tapped into a strong support network to accomplish her dream. And that is why she felt relief. The chances she took, and the backing she needed, placed an expectation for completion of the goal. Anything short of that kind of success would be interpreted by the brain as “failure”, and thereby letting down herself and others. To be honest, I hear so many similar stories from my own clients. Whether they be athletes or students, they come to believe that meeting grand expectations (from themselves or others) is a “must”, or else they see themselves as a failure.
What happens in these situations, no matter who we are, is that the brain registers the outcome as a need. From that point forward, any obstacle to attaining that need is recognized as a threat. And this is where it is wise to remember the phrase, “Perception is reality”. If we believe that goal attainment is the only validation of our worth, we create unnecessary pressure that can inhibit our growth and enjoyment. Instead, we would benefit from changing how we view our own pursuits.
The key is in the striving. When the Olympian was asked if she would change her path to the Olympics, she quickly replied “no way”. Her explanation wasn’t about the value of the medal or the win. Instead, she described the incredibly intense motivation she felt in challenging herself to give the best she could. She noted that not every practice or training session was the best, that some days were better than others. But her focus each day was to give the best she had that day. And on that single day at the Olympics, she knew she could give all she had, because that was exactly how she practiced for years leading up to that moment. And this inner knowledge of self became what she valued more than anything else. The pursuit of being our best self as often as possible is the thing that really drives us. More than the expectations of others, or the “hardware” we think will please them/us. Its that relentless hunt to give what we have now, to find our own boundary, that really makes life fulfilling. If you know someone who could use help in this pursuit, make the call and bring in an expert.