All this month I have been writing this thread about how to Be a Better Learner. We are also nearing the end of the school year, and I’m certain a few of you have thought my timing is bad. Why put this information out when the “learning season” is done? Good question. Here’s why. This coming summer is a fantastic time to work on becoming a better learner. There will be no grades, no tests, and likely no contests. Instead, this summer is a chance for you to put all of your focus on getting better at something by taking a learning approach. The benefit is that you will grow and be ready for the next set of challenges when school and/or sports get back in action. And if you are a professional, this is an opportunity to grow and adapt for whatever this emerging economy will present to us.
Part of my approach in writing this thread has been to identify and outline when learning gets tough. If you recall, I’ve discussed problems such as distractions and over-valuing outcomes, and how these things can inhibit our motivation to try. I also recommended techniques in developing a proper mindset, as well as strategies to help you overcome these potential blocks. These strategies were about taking the perspective that you are attempting to be something more than what you are now, as well as allowing yourself to take on the inherent risks of growth. But I will admit, taking these risks can introduce one of the other inhibitors I noted in Part 1, the fear of failure. And this fear is connected what I want to cover here, how emotions are a part of learning that you need to be willing to work through.
One of my favorite phrases to give to clients is “Not all negative emotions are bad”. You see, too often we fall into the trap that experiencing negative emotions is a bad thing. We interpret them to mean something is wrong about us, the situation, or just plain life. But the reality is that emotions, both good and bad, are merely barometers of how our brain is interpreting what is happening. And this is what can make them inhibitors to our goals and progress in learning. Fear, frustration, anger, disappointment, and sadness are all emotional reactions to the inherent difficulty of progress. But the reality is, our reaction is not necessarily an accurate measure of what IS happening, rather they are interpretations based on our own thoughts and expectations. So, let’s take a moment and explore some of the causes.
The first cause of negative emotions is a sense of shame or guilt over being “wrong”. Sometimes this is connected to letting others down as well. What is actually happening in this moment is that the brain is relying on an ancient safety mechanism for survival. In the wild, making the wrong decision, or having poor judgement resulted in death. Pick the wrong berry, get close to the wrong animal, jump into the wrong pool of water, and BAM, you’re done. But the costs in sport and school are not that severe. Here is the reality, being wrong is a chance to learn! Sure, you may have made a mistake, threw an interception, got scored on, etc. But by taking the chance, you also have an opportunity to learn about what to do (or not do) the next time the situation comes up. And that knowledge is GROWTH. Don’t let short term failure get in the way of the long term gain.
I second issue with negative emotions is about how we talk to ourselves. Often times I hear athletes and students talk negatively about themselves over mistakes. This seems to be especially true when I’m working with people who have a high need for perfection. This negative view of self is what I like to call the “ESPN mindset”. While I love watching Sport Center’s “Top Ten Plays”, I also feel as though it has promoted an all-or-nothing mindset. It is as though we judge our efforts as either an amazing highlight, or an utter failure. In truth, neither is likely true. But we tend to think this way based on the response we get from others, or by comparing our efforts to those we’ve seen receive high praise and recognition. Our brains have a “social default” mechanism where we are constantly evaluating what we have done, who has noticed, and how does the result compare to what we believe others expect. Realistically, this is an unfair burden to put on ourselves. Remember, one of the recommended strategies I talked about previously, take a risk on your own behalf! Whatever it is you have chosen to work on, it is about your own growth and learning, not what someone else thinks. If someone else expects perfection, let them do it.
A third emotional struggle I often hear is, “its hard (sigh)” And in my head I’m thinking, “no shit”. Because learning & growth require struggle. This can be difficult to accept, and again this is because the brain has a default….protect thyself from pain, because pain can mean death. And this WAS true several millennia ago. But not now, and definitely not as a student or athlete (unless you’re into jumping out of planes, but extreme sports are a different arena). The reality is improvement is going to take extra effort, and that necessary effort is going to be uncomfortable. That’s right. No getting around it. In order to see the gain, you have to embrace the difficulty. Or as I like to say, “you gotta get ugly to get good”. You’ve already learned this in the weight room; lifting more weight to get stronger means your muscles will hurt. But soon the pain goes away, and you are stronger. So the question you need to ask yourself as you take the next step in being a better learner is, “how much discomfort am I willing take while I work a little harder to get better?”
Now it is about moving forward. Being a better learner is about accepting the fact that negative emotions are part of the process. The risk you are taking is tapping ancient mental processes that are about safety. However, all growth in human history was about challenging safety. Taking the risk requires changing how you think about safety. One way to do this is to be eager in testing your boundary. Instead of needing to feel safe, encourage yourself to discover the threshold of discomfort you can handle. Each time you test that boundary, you stretch it a little further. If you feel like it is hard to read for 15 minutes without checking your phone, stretch that out to 17 minutes. Running for 30 minutes is uncomfortable? Stretch it out to 33 minutes. Testing your boundary isn’t about killing yourself, but is instead about reaching for a little more. Once you know you can do it, you’ve learned something about yourself, and got better.
And remember that issue about perfectionism? Again, practice changing how you think about this. The negative emotions of trying to be perfect start with the thought of “how far away I am” from what you were hoping to achieve. A pitcher with this type of thinking only focuses on how far off the ball was from the target. This is an exercise in defeatism. But what if you flipped the thought and asked, “how close did I get?” The immediate effect on the brain is that the next set of thoughts is about how to get even closer, or what to do next to improve. And if you’ve recognized the pattern here, you will realize that by changing you thinking you…..get…..better! So instead of fretting about not reaching your goal, you will start to understand what the effort produced, and how much more it will take to close the gap. You’ve learned more about you, as well as how to get better.
A final thought here on becoming a better learner is to practice self-compassion. Too often we beat ourselves up over not getting what we set out to do. But at best, this is an exercise in futility. Sure, failure and mistakes can be disappointing. And we may have initial fears about getting disappointed before we even try. But the only way to get where we want to be is to allow ourselves the chance to fail. This comes back to a few other points I’ve addressed previously. Accept the fact that negative emotions are going to happen, and you cannot control that. Remember too, you are taking the risk on your own behalf, with the potential to benefit others in doing so. And big picture, win or lose, you will learn. Remember the essay I wrote in college? Once I let go of trying to meet what I assumed were the professors expectations, the negative emotions pushed me in a new direction that helped me get better. They became a guide in trying to do something purposeful. No doubt, I wanted to push her buttons a little bit, and hoped that in doing so I would alleviate what I felt was unfair pressure on myself and others in the class. To do this, I accepted the fact that I may fail at the grade, but would feel better about myself for expressing my thoughts clearly. Practicing self-compassion allowed me to open up, give more effort, move past my fear and anger, and developed confidence in my ability to learn how to be a better writer as I took a risk.
So I close out this month with the hope of encouraging you. See the end of the school year as an opportunity for you to become a better learner and grow. Pick something that is important to you. Focus on skills that will help you improve. Work hard to take risks, develop routines, and seek feedback that tells you how you are doing. Understand that negative emotions are part of the process, not an indication of your value or worth. It will be tough, you are going to make mistakes, but in the end you will be better off. After all, there is no way I could write this blog without the learning I experienced in writing that college essay in an attempt to redden the face of my English professor. So get out there, and make this summer about being a better learner. Should you find yourself needing more help in this area, why wait? Make the call, bring in an expert.