“BEST PART” CONVERSATIONS – A GUIDE FOR PARENTS OF YOUNG ATHLETES

If you are like most parents, or young athletes, you have had that uncomfortable conversation on the way home after competition. The talk often times begins with questions about why certain plays turned out the way they did, or why a coach called certain plays. Eventually the conversation ends up with the parent no longer asking questions but instead critiquing what is being done wrong, and directing or demanding what the athlete needs to do in order to be better. And of course the athlete becomes very quiet, nodding along with the instructions, hoping the barrage of criticism will end soon.

Often times, this pattern becomes a “bad habit” that neither parent nor child likes. Both feel frustration before and after the talk happens, and end it with more frustration. The unfortunate consequences frequently get raised in my work with clients who feel like the fun has gone out of playing, and who struggle to find ways to talk with mom or dad about the sport. In the most severe cases, I have clients who no longer wish to play and are asking for help in telling their parents they are ready to quit. In the most hopeful situations, I have parents who ask for help in how to have more supportive conversations. And this is where I would like to focus this article, having discussions that begin with a hunt for the good stuff. Simply put, as a parent start the conversation with a simple question, “What was the best part of playing the game today?”

Asking this simple question changes the dialogue entirely by encouraging self-reflection and communicating a safe way to talk about what your athlete experienced. And though this may sound like a “fluffy” approach, the reality is that the athlete will pause and take the entire experience into account. She will recall the good and the bad, contemplating her own role in each aspect of the competition. This teaches a young athlete a healthy means of self-critiquing, while also building confidence in knowing what she did well. Secondarily, as a parent you also communicate the value of participation and striving as being more important than the outcome, which will  establish resiliency. As the conversation unfolds, you also gain significant insight into what really motivates your child-athlete.

Learning to have Best Part Conversations takes practice to be sure. But in doing so, you also establish a skill for yourself that is about removing unnecessary criticism, and is instead about fostering a positive sense of self for the athlete. What many parents don’t recognize is the common fear children have in disappointing their parents. This is often rooted in previous instances where their efforts to have fun and succeed were met with disappointment in the outcome from mom or dad. The result is confusion and self-doubt that they can play “correctly”. Eventually, the athlete may begin to shut down, often seen by parents and coaches as a lack of effort. Yet what is really happening for the athlete is he begins to not only feel bad about mistakes, but he also fears making more. However, in order to grow and learn in sport, an athlete must be able to take risks that allow him to develop and improve. And as I noted above, Best Part Conversations promote resilience by turning the mental processing of mistakes into a method of self-analysis in comparing why he had both positives and negatives within the same contest.

Guiding your child-athlete through Best Part Conversations not only gives you insight into your child’s motivation to play, you also help them to establish their own motivation. By reflecting on what was best (and why), the child-athlete also begins to have a stronger self-understanding about why he wants to continue. Regardless of the reason (and these will likely change as he matures), you also help him develop a greater sense of autonomy, which is the greatest source of motivation for any individual. In short, he begins to believe he is in control of his reasons to play, as well as his drive to improve. And once this is established, his effort will be at its highest possible point.

From my experiences as both a mental coach and a parent, I recognize how easy it is to fall into those uncomfortable converstaions based on criticism and parental disappointment. But I can also attest to the enormous value in having conversations that “hunt for the good stuff”. Young athletes begin to recognize you as an ally to their trials and efforts in competition. Playing sport can be difficult. Losses and disappointments are a painful part of the experience. Mistakes and embarrassment happen in every competition. And frustration is a difficult emotion to process when things don’t go the way a young athlete had envisioned. However, using Best Part Conversations provides a safe environment to work through these difficulties. Doing so also promotes resilience and increases motivation. Best of all, your child-athlete learns to self-analyze in a healthy way as she learns to examine the good and the bad. Hopefully my entry here provides perspective, as well as guidance on how to have powerful conversations. Should you find yourself needing more help in this area, why wait? Make the call, bring in an expert.