I’ve not written for the past six weeks, and the reason for that is the topic of this entry. Being the Parent Coach. Let me start by saying the experience has been the best, and worst, of my experiences as a coach. I began coaching several decades ago, and that alone has had challenges I could not have anticipated. Likewise, the positives have been incredible experiences that could fill an autobiography of why you should work with kids. As I transitioned out of my position as a head coach to build my practice as a sport psychology professional, my own child began his journey as a high school athlete. I was thrilled that he wanted to compete in the sport I had coached for years, and was lucky enough to be asked to work as an assistant coach for his team. This past month, he finished his high school career, and this forced upon me the need to reflect and process these last four years. And my hope in writing this is to provide perspective for those of you out there who either have been, are now, or will be a parent-coach.
The first issue you must be willing to accept is that the process will be a struggle. This struggle will include the highs and lows, and at this point I believe you are better equiped going into the situation accepting and understanding this at the start. For one, the emotions that are already exaggerated from coaching become magnified when your child is competing. With previous athletes, I would experience nervousness before competitions, and disappointment or excitment at the result, because I was hoping for the best for a human I cared for through the relationship we built as athlete and coach. But when my own stepped into competition it was more like having a panic attack. When things went well, my heart exploded with pride in and for him. When things went poorly, my heart hurt for him, and I must be honest, for myself. I believe all parents can relate to what I describe here, because the source of this emotional roller-coaster is the love we have for our children. But as a coach, you are now connected in a way that fools us into believing we have more control over the outcome than we actually do.
Thus, the first thing I encourage you to do is to learn to separate your goals from your child’s. This begins with understanding you are going to play two distinct roles, but each must be filled separately in order to best serve you both. Your first role is to be the parent, and the role of coach should never supersede that. However, you need to “switch-off” being a parent when the role of coach must be filled. This means being able to coach everyone, including your child, according to their own role and ability level with fairness. Likewise, your child deserves (and will benefit) from having the autonomy to set her own goals; to be able to determine what she wants to attempt to accomplish, and at what level she wants to commit to doing so. Conversely, this also means you must be able to “turn it off” at home. Once coach leaves the field, court, mat, etc. embrace the role of being a parent. At times, this means providing an opportunity for your child to air it out or keep it private as they choose. So my recommendation here is to give your child a “safe word”. Allow her to have a coded term that can be used at any time, in any public or private setting, that lets you know she needs a break from coach, and needs a parent who will leave sport alone for now. This honors your child’s need for child’s space, as well as a need for a supportive parent.
Being able to “switch” between being a parent and coach also requires being mindful. I have mentioned the value of mindfulness in previous posts, noting the benefits it bring for focus, managing emotions, and other mental skills that promote being able to perform at your best. This includes coaches, and especially parent-coaches. Perhaps the greatest benefit is in managing and processing your own emotions. The highs and lows I have previously mentioned can be exhausting and taxing. The impact of the emotional ups and downs can also take a heavy toll on the relationship you have with your child. Without being able to manage your own experiences, you become volatile and less capable of being the supportive parent your child will need as he learns to work his way through his own emotional peaks and valleys. Being able to work through your own processes is equally important to you being able to maintain focus on your own aspirations and tasks as the coach. Having goals is an inherent part of the job, but this must always be second to helping the athletes work toward their own goals. And when it comes to have an opportunity to coach your own child, separating and distinguishing these can be incredibly difficult. Therefor, implementing mindful skills enables you with tools that promote the well-being of yourself, as well as the relationship you have with your child and other athletes.
Yet another critical issue to address as a parent-coach is the struggle you face with public perception. And yes, it does matter. I’ve heard parent-coaches over the years claim they don’t care what others think, they can handle to pressure and challenges, etc. But the reality is, you are not only working with your child, you are working with the children of other parents. How they perceive you will influence the support and criticism you receive, and this in turn has an impact on how you perform. Just as you have likely judged the teachers your child has had, other parents are doing the same as you coach their child. This means people are evaluating your ability to address athletes’ needs, the way you instruct, the influence you have (real or imagined) on the outcomes of the team and individuals, and whether or not your intentions are for the good of kids or for your own flesh and blood. In short, be willing to accept the brighter spotlight as a parent-coach, and recognize that the distance between criticism and praise is as far as someone else’s perspective on their own child’s outcomes.
If you’ve made it this far, you are ready for recommendation on how to deal with this last issue. My recommendation is to first be very clear about your expectations with everyone involved. Publicly acknowledge what you expect of athletes, parents, and other coaches, and stick to your word. In doing this, you must also assure people through your actions that your intentions as a coach will provide their own child with a fair shake at playing time and competition. Pay attention to the opportunities you provide, and the way you give feedback to athletes. Purposefully focus your actions and words on helping every athlete improve. Secondarily, define your own private space. Just as your own child needs the coach to stay outside of the house, other families need to know that your family needs an opportunity to be just that. Letting others know that your role as a coach has a timeout period promotes family time that you, your child, and other family members deserve.
I’ll finish this post with important acknowledgements. My son did very well. His hard work has earned him the opportunity to continue to compete beyond high school, and I am very proud. However, he did come short of his two highest goals. This broke his heart, and mine. The emotions I experienced in the last month were extreme. Each step I took with him through gyms and arenas, I was acutely aware of others watching and having expectations of me and him. And I had to work hard to remind myself that the most important thing I could do was to remember that those expectations did not belong in our relationship. Instead, my role(s) was to be supportive, comforting, and encouraging. My hope in writing this is that many of you as parents (or perhaps as child-athletes) have a better appreciation for the dual roles being served as a parent-coach, and that I have provided insights for reflection and action on your part. Should you find yourself needing more help in this area, why wait? Make the call, bring in an expert.
Great message…nice work.